Tuesday, October 16, 2012

#BluthWalkOn

(Background: I was a broadcasting major in college and happened to take a production class with a professor who was quite taken with script-writing.  After rummaging through a box of hastily stashed papers and composition books, I managed to find some notes from that class. On a slightly related note, I bought a season of The Office a couple of years ago, and it included a bonus copy of the script for one of its episodes.  As a result, I wrote this original script with those two sources as guidelines, so I hope I landed somewhere in the ballpark.  I also like old musicals, and I have a long-suffering kind of brother who bears with me when I sing (off-key) songs from said musicals, two things that served as the inspiration for this script.  I had a lot of fun writing this; thanks for your consideration.)

I did try to clean up the formatting on the blog itself, but if it's more convenient, here is a PDF of my #BluthWalkOn entry: "Musical Entry".  


“Musical Entry”

FADE IN.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING 

                                                            NARRATOR V.O.
               
A California girl was about to share some exciting news with her younger brother.

GIRL in mid 20s walks in, excitedly.  She wears a summery, cotton dress.  A teenage BOY, her brother, sits at the kitchen table with headphones on in front of a computer.  Papers and textbooks are scattered about the table.  She joins him at the table, giddy.

                                                           GIRL
                Guess what!
                                                                               
BOY
                                                    (not looking up)
                What?

                                                            GIRL
Arrested Development!  Netflix is bringing it back! And they’re holding a contest for walk-ons!

                                                             BOY
What was that show about, again?  Was that the show about those four old women in Miami?
                                                                               
                                                            GIRL
How can you not care about this?  I even wrote this amazing song about the show! 

                                                 NARRATOR V.O.
Eh, the song was all right.

                                                 BOY
You… wrote a song?

                                                  GIRL
After all, it was a show that defined a generation. 

GIRL rises slowly.
                                                             GIRL
                It was a show that left an indelible mark.
                                                 (now singing, holds out note on “-corn”)
                It was a show that gave us Barry Zuckercorn / It was a show… /

                                                 (winks at camera, speaks the next line)
                for the smart.

MUSIC starts up, a sprightly and sweeping Broadway-esque tune.  Music plays in background unless otherwise indicated.  BOY removes one headphone and looks around.

                                                             BOY
                Who are you singing to?

                                                             GIRL
                                                                (speaking over background music)
Listen little brother, you clearly have a lot of learning left to do.  I should explain to you just why everyone loves the Bluths.  It’s part of the song I entered earlier today, just before the contest ended. 

GIRL picks up a flyer lying on the table, a beach visible in the picture.

                                                              GIRL (CONT’D)
But why should I tell you when I can show you?  And I know just where to start!

                                                   BOY
Please don’t make me –

GIRL drags BOY out of chair.  He follows grudgingly.

                                                               BOY (CONT’D)
                – get up.  Didn’t that show get canceled after like two episodes?

                                                               NARRATOR V.O.
                It was actually three seasons.

                                                    GIRL
Well of course it was canceled before its time.  What do you expect from a generation of people whose favorite show takes place in Jersey? 

                                                     BOY
                                           (grinning)
I always thought the short one on that show was hot.

                                                     GIRL
Her?

                                                     BOY
What?

                                                     GIRL
Nevermind.  Those shows just turn your brain to a swirling pile of mush.
                                         (looks at camera)
And that’s why you don’t watch shows about vapid reality stars.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE

GIRL and BOY go through the front door of the house, light streaming in the frame.

                                                                  GIRL
There’s a whole wide world out there, full of reasons why everyone should love the Bluths.

                                                                   BOY
                Are you going to sing again?

                                                                   NARRATOR V.O.
                There was going to be a lot of singing.

GIRL motions to door of car sitting in driveway.

                                                                   GIRL
                Get in!

GIRL and BOY both get in the car and she pulls out of the driveway, making her way through the neighborhood and city.  She sings against the upbeat, Broadway-style backdrop with the carefree abandon and the pleasant disregard of others that is common to those in musical numbers.

                                                                    GIRL
(singing slower, holding out the words at the end of each line.)
                Although their development has been arrested / Their mettle has still been tested…

BOY raises eyebrows.  Music is fast again, bright and popping.
                                                                               
                                                                      GIRL
                                                           (speaking)
                How, you ask?   Let’s start with Lucille.

                                                                      BOY
                A loose seal?
                                                               
          GIRL
                No!  Lucille!  Austero, that is.  You know, Judy Garland’s daughter?

                                                                      BOY
                I thought the mom’s name was Lucille.

                                                                       GIRL
                That too.  Maybe I should start at the beginning.                              
                                                                (singing brightly)
You’ve got George Senior and Lucille / And, spelled G-O-B /  There’s magician brother GOB / Along with Buster and Lindsay!

                Lindsay married Tobias Fünke

           V.O.
                                                                (light, breathy tone)
                Mr. F.

                                                                      GIRL
And they had daughter Maebe / Throw in Uncle Father Oscar / and it’s one big pile of crazy!

                                                                       BOY
                Where are we going?

                                                                        GIRL
                                                                (ignoring him, singing slower)
At the center of it all / Though their development has been stalled / Is Michael Bluth. / With son George Michael / He keeps them all together…
                                                               
                                                                        NARRATOR V.O.
                Well, sort of.

                                                                         GIRL
                And that’s the honest truth!

Oh, it’s all about the Bluths! / That’s right, everyone loves the Bluths! Whether big or small / Everyone loves the Bluths!

                                                                         BOY
                Okay, so they have a crazy family.  Why should I care about that?

                                                                         GIRL
                                                                (speaking, over the bouncing music)
                Easy.  Think of all the life lessons you can learn.

                                                                         BOY
                Life lessons?

                                                                         GIRL
                Ah, here we are.

EXT. FOOD & CRAFTS MARKET HELD ON A BEACH BOARDWALK

GIRL and BOY park, get out, and enter the beach area, MUSIC still bright in the background.  PEOPLE are milling about, with food, craft, and arts tents lining the boardwalk.  It’s a beautiful day and this adds an extra spring in GIRL’s step. 

                                                                         NARRATOR V.O.
They headed to the boardwalk, where a food and crafts festival was underway.
                                                                               
                                                                          GIRL
                The boardwalk, I’ll have you know, plays an important part in the story.

                                                                          BOY
                Great.

They pass a fresh fruits stand and GIRL is visibly delighted. 
                                                                               
                                                                          GIRL
                                                                (singing, holding out the word “stand”)
Life lesson number one / Don’t sit and be glum / There’s always money in the banana stand!

GIRL picks up a bunch of bananas.

                                                                           BOY
                                                                (looking around)
                People are staring at us.  Put those back.

BOY reaches out for the bananas.  GIRL swats his hand away.

                                                                           GIRL
                                                                (speaking)
                No touching.
                                                                (resumes singing, faster now)
And if you need some help / Just put your pride on the shelf / And Buster will lend you a helping haaa –
                                                (speaking)
I mean, hook.

                                                                            BOY
                What?

                                                                           GIRL
                                                                (singing)
Oh it’s all about the Bluths! / That’s right, everyone loves the Bluths! / Whether hand or a hook / Everyone loves the Bluths!

GIRL looks up and notices something in the distance.
                                                                   GIRL (CONT’D)
(speaking)
                Come on, this way!

GIRL pulls BOY by arm along the boardwalk, stopping at an ARTIST’s tent.  Paintings are propped up on display at the ARTIST is at work in the back of the tent.  GIRL walks past all the paintings into the ARTIST’s workspace, looking for something.

                                                                  GIRL (CONT’D)
                Ah!

She picks up a bottle of blue paint, just as the ARTIST was reaching for it.  MUSIC still pops in the background as GIRL opens the paint and spreads some on the back of her hand.

                                                                    ARTIST
                Hey! What are you do –

                                                                     GIRL
                                                                (holding out the note on “shorts”)
Life lesson number two / It’s okay to be blue / So pull up those cutoff jean shorts…

GIRL smiles broadly and points to a MAN looking at a painting in the front of the tent.  He has a fairly impressive mullet, with above-the-knee cutoff jean shorts on. He scowls at her.

                                                                      GIRL ( CONT’D)
                And grab your fellow cohorts / And join the band of the never-nudes.

GIRL whirls around, a big, flashy smile on her face.  She puts the paint back and marches happily toward the boardwalk.  ARTIST looks up, his expression reading “Are you serious?”  BOY picks up pace to keep up with GIRL.

                                                                         BOY
                Why would you never be nude?  How would you shower?

GIRL and BOY exit the boardwalk.  She hums and twirls through the parking lot to the car, her cotton dress flowing as she spins.  BOY ducks his head down and avoids eye contact with OTHERS in the parking lot.  They get in the car and she continues singing while pulling out of the lot and on to the city road.
                                                                               
             GIRL
                                                                (singing, waving arms in the air)
Oh it’s all about the Bluths!  

                                                             BOY
Could you at least keep your hands on the steering wheel?

                                                              GIRL
That’s right, everyone loves the Bluths! / Whether red or blue / Everyone loves the Bluths!

                                                              BOY
Look, that’s all fine.  But some blue paint and a bunch of bananas doesn’t exactly help me figure out why this show is so great.

GIRL pauses for a moment, a look of deep concentration crossing her face.  Suddenly, she lights up.

                                                             GIRL
You know, you’re absolutely right.  You need to see the real deal.  Here’s what we’re going to do.

                                                              BOY
No, I didn’t mean –

GIRL makes a sharp right-hand turn, cutting off several cars along the way.  Horns blare and the mouths of other DRIVERS are blurred out and bleeped as they shout angrily at her.

                                                              BOY (CONT’D)
– that.
                                                               GIRL
                                                                (speaking)
                Now, there’s one more place we must go!

                                                                            BOY
                Can’t wait.

                                                                     NARRATOR V.O.
                He could.
                                               
EXT. CITY ROAD.

Suddenly, GIRL hears a siren behind her and abruptly stops singing.  MUSIC cuts off abruptly.  A police car pulls in behind her, lights flashing. 

                                                                   GIRL
                                                          (speaking)
                Oh, come on!

GIRL slows down and pulls to the side of the road.  BOY sighs audibly.  She rolls down her window and an OFFICER appears. He is paunchy, with sweat dripping from under his police cap, and he whips out a notepad and pen.  He speaks slowly, with a penchant for occasionally but obnoxiously drawing out the vowels in his words.

                                                                   OFFICER
Ma’am, were you aware that you were going 46 in a 40 miles per hour zone?

                                                                    GIRL
                Um, no, Officer, I wasn’t.  I’m so sorry.

                                                                    OFFICER
I don’t suppose a smart girl like you would have a reason for being such a lawbreaker, would you?

                                                                      GIRL
I was just, um, singing my entry for a competition Arrested Development and Netflix are doing, to ah, get a walk-on role on an episode.

                                                           OFFICER
Arrested Development?

                                                           GIRL
You know, with the Bluths and George Michael –

                                                            OFFICER
                                                (cutting her off)
George Michael!  Well now, I love me that George Michael fella. His voice is just so smooth.

                                                            GIRL
Uh, yeah?

                                                           OFFICER
I mean, no bones about it, that man can sing.

                                                            GIRL
                                                (clearing her throat)
Um…totally, Officer.  I have…all of his CDs.

                                                           NARRATOR V.O.
She didn’t.

                                                           OFFICER
Well, ma’am, considering that you have exceptional taste in songwriting, I’m going to let you off with a warning.  Just you be sure to follow the laws of the land now, you hear?

                                                           GIRL
Yes, sir, Officer.  You bet, Officer.

                                                            OFFICER
All right then. 
                                                (humming to himself as he walks away)
I’m never gonna prance again, guilty meat have got no raisins….

TEXT of the NARRATOR’s V.O. flashes on bottom of screen as the NARRATOR says it aloud.

                                                                      NARRATOR V.O.
The words and slight melodic nuances of this song have been changed to avoid copyright infringement laws.

GIRL watches OFFICER get into car and she then exhales, hands still on the steering wheel, shaking her head.
                                                               
          GIRL
Whew.  That was freebie.  Now… where was I?

The MUSIC picks up again.

                                                          GIRL
                                                (singing)
Oh right, everyone loves the Bluths!

BOY puts his head in his hands.

                                                                       GIRL (CONT’D)
Life lesson number three / Be careful what you see / Because some things are for British eyes only.

                                                                         V.O.
                                                                (light, sing-song voice)
                For British eyes only!

                                                                     GIRL
So avoid ideas half-baked  /And for goodness sakes / Stay away from Kitty.

                                                                      BOY
                Are we almost done?
               
                                                                       GIRL
Oh it’s all about the Bluths! / That’s right, everyone loves the Bluths! / Whether Brit or Iraqi / Everyone loves the Bluths!
                                                (speaking)
Don’t worry; we’re almost there!
                                                               
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO

GIRL’s car gets off of the road and pulls into parking lot.  Large, square-shaped buildings loom in the distance.  A massive gate sits in the middle, with two words lining the arch over the gate.  The first word is blurred out but the last word is visible – “STUDIO.”  Large posters line the outer walls, including a cast photo from the latest Arrested Development season.  The musical refrain plays lightly in the background.

                                                               NARRATOR V.O.
                They soon arrived at the back lot of a well-known movie studio.

                                                                BOY
                                                           (suspiciously)
                Where are we?

                                                                 GIRL
                                                            (singing)
Maybe you thought / I was almost done with this song / Surely you’d know / You’d be so very wrong.
                                                                (looks at camera)
                Get it?
                                               
They reach the front of the lot and GIRL drives up to the gate, smiling at the GUARD inside a booth.  GUARD looks bored. 

                                                                 BOY
                You’re not seriously trying to get in here, are you?

                                                                  GUARD
                Ma’am, unless you have clearance, you cannot go in there.

                                                                  GIRL
We’re here for the Arrested Development walk-ons! 

GUARD notices the back of her hand, smeared with blue paint, and sighs.  He picks up a clipboard and flips through some papers on it.

                                                                    GUARD
Are you sure you’re on the list? You look too young to have won a contest for walk-ons.

                                                                     GIRL
                                                                (speaking)
                Marry me!

                                                                      GUARD
                                                                (smiling)
                All right, come on in!

                                                                      BOY
                                                                (in disbelief)
                How did that work?

GIRL shrugs knowingly, drives through, and parks in a nearby lot.  She gets out, still beaming, arms swinging in the air as they make their way through the studio compound.  Signs line the walls of each building on either side of the street, displaying which sound stage is currently in use for which show.  BOY looks around nervously as PEOPLE bustle about, transporting props and doing other such movie-like things.

                                                                      BOY
                This is weird. 

                                                                       NARRATOR V.O.
                It was very weird. 

                                                                       BOY
                Can we go home now?

MUSIC picks up in speed.
                                                                        GIRL
                                                                (singing)
You’ve got Steve Holt and Mrs. Featherbottom / And dancing chickens  - you gotta love ‘em! / They will surely cause you thrills / Kissing cousins and Bob Loblaw / Model homes and blah blah blah / And of course, Team-o-cil.

                                                                (looks at camera, speaking)
Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities, short term memory loss and may decrease your sex drive.

MUSIC slows dramatically.  PEOPLE have stopped and are openly staring.  GIRL whirls about dramatically through the street.  She sees a sign that says “Arrested Development” adorning a building’s door and squeals with delight.  A trolley with a tour guide and a dozen tourists can be seen approaching.

                                                                        GIRL
So listen up mi hermano / We’re almost at the Final Countdown / Of this song.

                                                                        BOY
                Thank goodness…

                                                                        GIRL
We’ve learned quite a lot / A normal family, they are not / Oh wait, I forgot to mention Annyong.
               
                                                                         BOY
                Who?

Two MEN walk behind GIRL carrying a backdrop of the “Hollywood” sign.  GIRL clasps hands and continues to sing.  An Asian TOURIST on the trolley snaps a picture of her.

                                                                         GIRL
So whenever you’re feeling down / Put your glasses on and hair back down / ‘Cause the show is back; it won’t be long!

GIRL and BOY walk through the Arrested Development door as she sings, toward the sound of voices that seem to be coming from ahead and to their left.  A SECURITY GUARD is behind a desk on their right, eyes closed and head slumped down.  They turn the corner and ahead, the Arrested Development CAST is gathered on the sound stage of Lucille’s apartment, clearly in the middle of shooting a scene.  The MUSIC takes on a “grand finale” feel, like what a chorus line might do at the end of a performance. 

                                                                       BOY
                                                                (nervously hissing)
I don’t think we’re supposed to be here… where are you going?  Get back here!

                                                                         GIRL
Because with Arrested Development / Oh, your life will ne’er be malcontent…

There is a CLOSE UP of GIRL as she continues walking.  She flings her hands wide out, knocking over a set lamp.  It crashes to the ground but she seems oblivious.

                                                                          GIRL (CONT’D)
                                                                (holding out each word)
And you can’t go wrong!

MUSIC ends with a bang.  GIRL is breathless, standing with hands in the air, exultant at her finale. 

                                                                           GIRL (CONT’D)
                                                                (excitedly, to BOY)
So what do you think of my song?  I spent the whole last month working on it!  Do you think they’ll like it?    

                                                                          BOY
                Um, why don’t you ask them….

The camera PANS OUT to reveal that GIRL has actually walked onto the sound stage, with the CAST and PRODUCER surrounding her.  They are stunned, some with mouths agape and others with eyebrows raised. Filming has clearly come to a screeching halt.  Silence hangs in the air.  Finally, an angry voice breaks the silence.

                                                                      PRODUCER
                What the –  who are you?                                   

                                                                      GIRL
                I’m here for the walk-ons!

                                                                     PRODUCER
The walk-ons?  Are you kidding me?  We’re not filming those scenes until November!  How did you even get in here?

PRODUCER angrily looks around and nods to SECURITY GUARD #2 in the corner. 

                                                          GIRL
                                                (still smiling)
I just wanted to show my brother how amazing this show is!  Hey everyone!

GIRL waves brightly at the CAST.  They are not amused.  BOY tries to duck behind a camera.

                                                                     GIRL
I wrote a song for my contest entry!  Would you like me to start from the beginning?

                                                         PRODUCER
From the beg – no!  Listen, did you even read the contest rules?

                                                                     GIRL
                                                                (speaking)
Of course.  It was all, be creative, can’t be a professional actor, blah blah blah, that kind of thing.

                                                         NARRATOR V.O.
Well, there was a little more to it than that.

                                                         PRODUCER
Maybe you should read this.

PRODUCER walks over to a table and picks up a piece of paper covered in small font from a large stack in the middle, the word “Contest” visible in the heading of the paper.  He hands it to GIRL.

                                                                     PRODUCER (CONT’D)
                It says you can’t use music in your entry.  Right here.

                                                                      GIRL
                What? Let me see that.

GIRL takes paper and reads intently.  BOY looks around, trying to avoid eye contact.  SECURITY GUARD #2 is now visible in the frame, just behind GIRL, his eyes narrowed and arms crossed.  GIRL looks up at PRODUCER, eyes wide. 

                                                                       GIRL (CONT’D)
                I’ve made a huge mistake.

Music ends on a peppy, upbeat note.

CUT TO BLACK.

FADE IN.
INT. – KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

The musical theme reenters the background.  GIRL sits at a kitchen table, alternately beaming at thoughts popping into her head and biting her lip while scribbling furiously in a composition book.

                                                                         NARRATOR V.O.
On the next “Musical Entry,” a California girl writes a song for a walk-on on the new season of a show about four old women in Miami.

EXT. CITY ROAD

BOY is sitting in his car, on the side of the road, ostensibly having been pulled over for speeding.  A different POLICE OFFICER is finishing writing a ticket.  BOY looks desperate.

                                                                          NARRATOR V.O. (CONT'D)
And her brother learns that not everyone has the same appreciation for George Michael.

                                                                          BOY
                                                                (to POLICE OFFICER)
                Hey, ever listen to George Michael?

POLICE OFFICER is stone faced.  He hands the ticket to BOY and walks toward his police car.  BOY calls out through the open window over his shoulder.

                                                                           BOY
I mean, he is something special.  What a singer, huh?  Am I right?  Am I right?

POLICE OFFICER reaches for the police car’s door handle.  BOY looks at ticket in dismay.

                                                                           BOY
Um, marry me!

POLICE OFFICER’s eyes narrow and he starts walking back toward BOY, whose eyes widen.

                                                                           POLICE OFFICER
                What did you just say to me?

                                                                          BOY
                Er, nothing!  Have a great day, Officer!

BOY hastily puts his car into drive and smacks his steering wheel.
                                               
                                                                          BOY
                How did that not work?  Oh, come on!

MUSIC ends.

CUT TO BLACK.